Mr P: My boyfriend of 5 years, 31, electrician. Truly the most gorgeous man I have ever seen. Has a penchant for football boots.
Mum: Obviously the woman who birthed me, 55, cleaner. A lovely woman with an eye for the bad boys – yes, even at the age of 55.
Dad: The other half of my creators. Married to long-suffering Stepmum for about 20 years. 59, unemployed. Hilarious with a biting sense of humour.
The Blonde One: My eldest sister, 32, does some kind of officey job and mucks around on facebook a lot. Lives with her boyfriend of 3 years. The Redhead: My other sister, 31, mum to Lil’ Blue, aged 4. In a rather volatile relationship with B. Loves cider. Collectively known as The Sisters.
Katie Cat: my bezzie friend, 26, teacher. Has a wicked sense of humour and is completely trustworthy. Can always be counted on for a good bitching sesh over a bottle of red.
Joshwa: one of my oldest friends, 26, in a telesales job as he recently returned from an 18 month sojourn in Oz (and surrounding countries). Has a half German, half Italian boyfriend.
The Bear: a good friend, 27, mother to Lil’ Woody. Is dizzy, flirty and filthy but hilarious. The Bear will do any dare set her and enjoys making prank phone calls in the manner of a 10-year-old. She is also a truly wonderful mum.
KKK: my colleague at work, 49, married to a farmer, no children. Reads The Daily Mail , votes Tory, deeply suspicious of anyone non-English and/or non-white. The bane of my working life.
Dr Gorgeous: a highly ironical name in that the only person who think he is is himself. A doctor at my surgery, in his 50’s, divorced. Drives a bright red, soft-top car. A walking midlife crisis cliché.
Dr Old School: 50ish, married, 3 children. Been a doctor at the surgery for years. Hunts. Partial to racist/sexist jokes but is actually rather likeable and charming underneath it all.
Ra & JenLyn: Old friends (28 & 29) I first met when we all worked at The Hunting Lodge. Ra is a landscape gardener, JenLyn runs a bar when she’s not on maternity leave. Proud parents to Baby Ra.
Mr and Mrs M: My old friend and her husband, 36 (I think) and 26. He’s a gifted designer, she is a veterinary nurse when she’s not popping out sprogs. Live in idyllic loveliness just outside Newquay. Parents to LC.
RB: Old school friend, ladies’ man, Lothario, comedy genius.
KC: Workmate, 29, married, two children. Common as muck but kind-hearted and will do anything for you.
Shellbell: My oldest friend, 26, boyfriend called Sunshine. We’re not as close as we were but I think we’ll always stay in some kind of touch.
The Two-Headed Idiot: A mother and daughter combo I work with who have to be the sweetest but most stupid people you have ever met. They can both drive and hold down good jobs – how?
Patricia Fat-Arse: One of my work colleagues, and the only woman to ever give birth to a child. Constantly on a diet and yet manages to retain, literally, the fattest arse you have ever seen.
The Little Chef: A good mate of ours and a chef, obviously. In his early thirties. Has impossibly high standards (e.g. I once heard him brand Megan Fox as “alright”). One realises his standards are even higher when you find out he is a virgin.
The Gaggle: The other women at work – not annoying / special / mental enough to be given a personal nickname. Name comes from their similarity to a gaggle of clucking hens. Think Loose Women. And try not to vomit.