I haven’t yet told you about KP Nuts, another of my ignoramus work colleagues. KP Nuts is in her 40s, married, mother of three gorgeous girls. She is a wicked cook and will often bring in freshly baked samosas and chapatis for us to munch on. She’s a laugh and a good sport. But this is where my fondness for her ends.
KP Nuts has been working in the NHS for 20-odd years and I do not know how the hell she has managed to keep hold of her job for so long. She is one of the dimmest people I work with (and that’s saying something). She works for a meagre 4 hours a day and yet spends most of it with a face like a smacked arse complaining about the (tiny) amount of work she has to do. I feel like advising her to quit so that someone grateful and capable can have her job.
The other day, she was moaning about the fact that she couldn’t find the laminator. She whined to me, KKK and KC about it not being in its usual hidey-hole. I asked her if she had checked the drawers underneath the desk in the stationary room. She assured me she had but still couldn’t locate the wretched machine.
Well, you can probably guess what happened next. I checked the desk drawers when KP Nuts had shuffled off home and, lo and behold, there is the laminator.
The next day, I tell her about my amazing discovery.
KP NUTS: But I checked in the desk drawer and it wasn’t there.
ME: God knows then.
KP NUTS: [several seconds of blinking, like a camel] Do you mean the big drawer at the bottom?
KP NUTS: Oh no, I didn’t check that one.
This means readers, that KP Nuts looked for a laminator in a drawer that’s only big enough to hold a couple of pens and a tube of toothpaste. Ingenious. And people wonder why the NHS is going down the pan.
On a different note, everyone’s favourite racist KKK did her fire safety test the other day. This is something that all staff members have to complete. It’s a simple CD-Rom with multiple choice questions at the end of it. So easy, a chimpanzee could do it.
She very proudly told me that she had scored 100% and had even laminated her certificate. Tragic. I won’t even let Mr P hang my degree on the wall.