Man of my Dreams

Mood: Euphoria tinged with sadness

Style: Bedheady, naked

Listening to: Sara Cox on Radio 1

Benny P (or the original Mr P, I suppose) was my first love. I had the biggest crush on him at school. We ‘went out’ for a bit in the way you do when you’re 13, i.e. see each other occasionally at school, get caught smoking fags on the rec’, and leave it at that. The ‘relationship’ was short-lived; the crush continued.

Weirdly, we ended up quite good mates. I started seeing his best mate when I was about 15 and we would while away the hours getting stoned and drawing pictures on my bedroom walls. Benny drew a brilliant picture of a laughing cowboy once. I wish I still had it.

Benny was gorgeous; he kinda looked like Paul McCartney (when he was young and handsome I mean, not now with the paisley waistcoats and mauve coloured barnet). He was hugely tall (6ft7, I believe) and we kind of lost touch after we grew out of bongs and I grew out of his best mate.

I used to see him very rarely in town. He used to tower above me, telling me about his newborn baby son, Leon.

5 years ago, Benny suffered a massive heart attack and died. It was terrible. I cried for weeks, I didn’t think I would ever stop thinking about him, I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 and a half years and went a bit wild for once. Whether his untimely demise gave me a nudge into the stark realisation that life’s bloody short, I don’t know. Still, it was the best thing I ever did.

I had a dream about Benny last night. We were chatting away like we used to, when he asked if he could come over and stay. In the dream, I was with Mr P but the relationship wasn’t as serious as it is now, we were in the early playing-it-cool days. I mulled it over in the dream and was sincerely tempted but when I told Mr P about Benny’s proposal, he said that I shouldn’t go because Benny was my first love and I’d fall for him again and wind up deserting Mr P as a result.

So I didn’t go.

I don’t buy into dream analysis at all; I’d been thinking about Benny that day so he was wandering around in my subconscious anyway. But it made me wonder what I would do if that situation had happened in real life. Would I be prepared to give up a lover for Benny? Would the attraction still be there? Did I ever get over him, really?

Whatever. Dreams is dreams, but I didn’t tell Mr P about the content.

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